A Shadow Existence

When I entered seminary in 1999, I had never read any further in the Book of Discipline than the Social Principles. They were important to me, and they were not convoluted by “legalese” or by any politics other than the Golden Rule.

I loved my seminary experience, and as my call became more clear, I realized for the first time that I had moved from one homophobic organization...the Marine Corps...to another. I loved my Methodist upbringing...I loved my late-in-life call to older adult ministry...and I admired and trusted my first ordination process mentor. I came out to her and shared that I was not in a relationship. Her comment was to the effect that she very much doubted anyone would ask, but since I was not violating the letter of the Discipline...”practicing” being the key word...I should continue to pursue ordination and not out myself. I never did...not to colleagues in the process and not to the majority of those I served. I did finally confide in a gay couple in the church I served and a wonderful, young lesbian in the choir. I continued to observe the “celibate in singleness” thing...I did not even date. From 2000 on, I have been alone, a time period that included all my active ministry. I would not recommend that to anyone. Ministry can be joyful, but it can also be difficult and many times heartbreaking. (Bishop Willimon once compared it to “being nibbled to death by ducks”.) Sharing the joys and sorrows with a partner would have been a blessing.

I say all this because while I survived and feel I ministered to those I served as well as I possibly could, it should NOT have been necessary to lead such a lonely, inauthentic life while I was following my call. I pray that we will end the harm and stop trying to second-guess God’s call on the lives of LGBTQ United Methodists.

Rev. Mitzi Manning, a second career deacon ordained in 2007, served Fairlington UMC on the Alexandria District as their Older Adult Minister from 2002-2012... under appointment for 8 of those years. From 2008-2018 she served on the Virginia Conference Board of Ordained Ministry. Mitzi is a 2003 graduate of Wesley Theological Seminary. Prior to entering seminary, she served her country as a United States Marine from 1972-1999, retiring as a Colonel.