My Journey

My mom was at a meeting recently. She had shared with one of the other attendees that I had come out and lost my job. At first I thought my mom had exaggerated a bit since after all, I voluntarily resigned in the process of coming out. But as I sat and thought about it, I realized that is probably the most accurate way to describe my sudden transfer into public school teaching--leaving behind my call to parish ministry. A call God placed on my heart as early as my freshman year of high school. A call that I fought and fought for years. Let it be known. God called and continues to call me to ministry—I haven’t forgotten that. 

Let me put it into perspective. For three years I served as the Director of Youth Ministries and Ministry Intern at what some would call an Evangelical United Methodist Church. I did this while studying at Wesley Theological Seminary. I will admit, when I interviewed for the job I had no idea what evangelical meant. In that, I thought all Christians were to proclaim the gospel and make new Christians. I very quickly realized evangelical in this sense meant to proclaim the gospel and make new Christians—unless they’re gay. I sat in meetings where leadership board members would talk about “the gays.” I had to bite my tongue when church members would talk about gay individuals in the sense of hate the sin, not the sinner.

I would share, using other people’s “stories,” about the fact that I know people who were born gay. It’s not a choice and if they could be straight, they would be. In reality, I was speaking of myself. I would be told that homosexuality is a result of the fall and with enough prayer and obedience to God, you can change your sinful ways.

I found myself deeply suppressing my homosexuality, to the point that I would get into such a deep depression that my entire world--professionally, personally and academically--would suffer. For three years I would live in this dichotomy of freeing theological insights in seminary and damaging theological insights in my ministry setting.

In July of 2018 I was set free to pastor my own church. I would proclaim the word God gave me each week and shepherd my flock in southern Albemarle County, Virginia. I recall just about a month into my ministry. While I truly loved what I was doing, the depression had resurfaced. Getting out of bed and functioning was getting harder and harder. I found myself going home to my parents on a monthly basis just to recharge enough to get through a couple more weeks of ministry until I would return home.

During one of those trips home I met my current partner. Our relationship would grow. I would realize what it felt like to be loved and to love. Everything that seemed to go wrong in my heterosexual relationships didn’t exist. I was able to bring my entire being to the relationship. We met just before the February 2019 Called General Conference. The stress of trying to stay in a denomination and maintain a relationship that was not accepted resulted in me ending things with my partner. I again put my calling before myself. Eric however wouldn’t give up and we reconnected in late April. We spent the vast majority of the summer together, since he’s a teacher and could visit me. I was happy, my depression was at bay. This was the life I’ve always wanted!

When Eric returned to work in August, my depression resurfaced. Living two lives and suppressing part of who you are is exhausting.  I began seeing a therapist and talking with clergy in the Virginia Annual Conference. I was beginning to realize there might not be an end any time soon, and if anything were to actually happen in May 2020 it could still be years before I could authentically live as a gay man. So I decided to put myself above everyone else and texted a friend, asking her to help me acquire a teaching job for the 2020-2021 school year. Five days later I signed a contract to teach at my alma mater. I would start September 9, 2019.

As I sat and pondered my mom’s comment, I realized that my ability to pastor youth was never questioned. I was gay when I served as the Youth Director. But had I come out, being gay would have been the only reason for my termination. And so, yes – my job was the cost of me coming out. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. The only way to truly serve God is to bring 100% of your being to ministry. Now, I can do that.

Brian graduated with his Master of Divinity from Wesley Theological Seminary in May 2018. Prior to seminary he attended West Virginia University where he graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Interdepartmental Studies and a Master of Arts in Secondary Education. He holds a Post Graduate Professional Teaching license in Social Studies and Business Education. He teaches Business Education at Courtland High School in Spotsylvania County, Virginia.