Waiting
Author’s Note: The following is a reflection on waiting and ultimately describes my conversation with Sharma Lewis, Resident Bishop of Virginia, on July 5, 2018.
“I have come to tell you that I have agreed to marry two same-sex couples this year and I want to tell you why.”
I pondered for a good long while about how to begin this conversation with our Bishop. Once I made up my mind three years ago that I would no longer say no to a couple who asked me to marry them, I prayed that I would have the strength to live through the consequences, whatever they be.
I came to my decision sometime after an extensive conversation with my long-time mentor and coach. Shortly after my 55th birthday, I had asked, “what wisdom would you give me for the years I have left in ministry?” He answered, “well, I certainly wouldn’t live the rest of my life with the brakes on!”
Before this specific conversation, I had already decided to live my life as IF I knew I had one year left to live. I believed this would bring clarity to what was most important. This decision was also influenced by my mother, and her impending death, who at the time was bravely fighting Alzheimer’s while being consumed by it. A thief to its victims, every time we tried to talk by phone, my mother “could not find the words.” A lifelong activist for those on the margins, in my own desperate desire to hold on to her, I longed for a way to be her voice and mine too. By the time I met with our Bishop in July 2018, I had come to a place of peace and strength.
I took a deep breath before I began with, “I have come to tell you that I have agreed to marry two same-sex couples this year and I want to tell you why.” I shared with her what I have already shared with you. And then I told our Bishop the story of a delightful little girl named Jodeci who came to the church I was serving many years ago. I took her on her first mission trip when she was ten. I baptized her and confirmed her into our church. She looked up to me, adored me. I adored her.
I answered the phone, now many years later, when her beautiful mother called to tell me, “Jodeci is gay.” I listened and promised to walk with her through and beyond the mean-spirited declarations that were being pressed upon her by other “well-meaning” pastors and friends.
The time to make good on my decision arrived. “Miss Lynne, I feel like I have won the lottery! This means the world to me. You have no idea! I can’t believe it! This is the best news ever! Thank you, Thank you! We are so excited!”
These beloved families are not somewhere outside of us. They are the people we know and love and have known and loved for a long time. “Bishop Lewis, I have come to the place in my life where I have to be able to lay my head down at night with enough integrity to sleep. I cannot say no to these children whom I have loved and helped to raise up in the faith. I have considered it to be a privilege to be a team player in our covenant together. My vows to our church are sacred to me but I cannot turn my back on these young adults anymore.” This is why I have agreed to marry Jodeci and Kierstin.
She listened. And she heard me. The compassion and care in her eyes and voice were unmistakable. It touched me deeply because in my heart and mind I had entered our Bishop’s office prepared for the worst.
We talked together. Is there a way we can live in this in between place? Is there room for a compromise while we wait?
Yes, there is a way. “You can say yes and serve as the wedding celebrant, as long as you have a legal officiant who offers the vows and signs the marriage license. And while we wait, yes, I can live with that.” This is the word of grace our Bishop offered me and for NOW, yes, I can live with that.
Update: Since the time of this conversation and original reflection, the UMC has moved to an extreme traditional posture and in May will consider several plans including the Protocol of Reconciliation & Grace Through Separation. The Protocol outlines a way forward and includes a request to all Bishops to support a moratorium on disciplinary actions for clergy who act on their commitment to full inclusion for LGBTQ persons while we await the action of GC2020.
Bishop Lewis now states she will no longer wait – a posture she was comfortable with in the uncertainty leading up to the special GC2019. Yet now, we wait for the unfolding of General Conference 2020 and action that can truly move The United Methodist Church forward in a new and inclusive way while minimizing harm to all.
The Reverend Dr. Lynne Alley-Grant is an elder in the Virginia Conference of the United Methodist Church. She is currently Lead pastor at Walker Chapel UMC. She has served as founding pastor and has led revitalizations as Lead Pastor at two of the largest congregations in the conference. Lynne is the current Chair of the Order of Elder in the Virginia Conference.