Why I Do What I Do, Episode #1

Editor’s Note: With this blog post, we are starting a new series, soliciting stories from across the Virginia Conference. Each of us has a story to tell about our words and actions related to the full inclusion of LGBTQ+ siblings in our Church and our world. Virginia Methodists for a New Thing feels that it is important that we hear a multitude of voices across our Annual Conference sharing your motivations, your inspiration, your fears, your concerns on this topic. Hearing others' stories helps us to reflect on our own story, our own reasons for doing what we do. Hearing others' stories can also help us clarify our own values, call us to more faithful actions, and give us courage. We are a community here to support and inspire one another. Inspired to share your story? Click here to learn more.

I am an elder in the Virginia Annual Conference. A number of years ago, one of my closest friends (a gay man) got married but did not ask me to perform the ceremony. I was surprised (because we are very close friends), but he said he didn’t want to get me in trouble. At the time, I mostly felt gratitude that he cared enough for me that I not lose my ordination. As years went by, I realized I was only focused on myself, I hadn’t given nearly as much thought to how he felt, how my “relief” simply reinforced the frequent messages from our society and Church that his identity, his loving relationship wasn’t valued. Fast forward almost 10 years. Another friend approached me as she was planning her wedding. She asked about UMC policies (she is active in a Baptist church and knew her pastor wouldn’t perform the ceremony). When I told her our policies, she immediately said she would ask someone else because she didn’t want her wedding to be the thing that caused me to lose my pastorate, my vocation. I explored options and read carefully our bishop’s statement and found another (non-UMC) clergy person to ask the vows and sign the wedding license, but I helped her and her partner plan their service and I led all parts except the vows and pronouncement. At the time, I thought I was being much more bold than a decade before. But almost immediately I felt like a cheat. I wasn’t helping her, I was reinforcing that her wedding was not equal to others. She has never complained, but I have been ashamed of myself ever since.

Why did I do what I did? Fear. Honestly fear... not of "getting in trouble" or offending someone... but fear of what I would lose. The structural system we live in causes me to fear losing my ministry position/ordination, my parsonage/housing allowance, my retirement account, my ability to support my family if I do what I believe is right and gospel-centered. Fear is a very un-Christian reason for doing anything, and it haunts me.

Our UMC stand on LGBTQ+ inclusion has made our Church be the cause of isolation and pain for many, rather than a place of radical hospitality. We have lost our integrity and made ourselves irrelevant in the lives of countless individuals and families.